Book Review - The 5 Love Languages of Children

Ever consider that your children have "emotional tanks"? According to The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, every child and ultimately every adult has an emotional tank. Ensuring the emotional tank of each individual is essential in having healthy lives, healthy relationships and even healthy marriages. The aim of this book is to "love children effectively" and therefore this book helps parents determine their children's "love language". The book not only identifies how to determine a child's love language but most importantly how to provide the love language they need. After reading this book, it has really caused me to pause and consider how I demonstrate God's love to my children. It has caused me to be more aware of my children's emotional tanks. I greatly desire for my love to be communicated effectively such that my children not only know they are loved, but also that they FEEL loved!

"Raising emotionally healthy children is an increasingly difficult task these days" especially with the influence of media which has caused "psychological issues like narcissism, the violence and hopelessness that plague some communities, the decline in the influence of the church" and "even simple middle-class busyness". Therefore, knowing how to combat these influences and ensure that our children's emotional tanks are filled unconditionally is essential in raising them emotionally healthy.

In a nutshell, a person's emotional tank needs to stay filled on a daily basis. Love however is the foundation of a healthy human being. Knowing one is loved and feeling one is loved are both very different but both very essential. This helps control emotions, builds confidence and security, improves relationships, improves attitudes, and overall happiness is increased when a person's emotional tank is full and their particular love language is met.  The authors of this book identify five love languages (hence the name of the title). The five love languages are: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, and Acts of Service.

A description of each love language is provided below:

1. Physical Touch is one of love's strongest voices. It shouts, "I love you!" All children need to be touched and wise parents in many cultures recognize the need for their children to receive a tender touch. Our society today however has deviated from this practice to some extent. Especially fathers! However an appropriate touch helps a child live healthier, with a greater self-esteem and even a clear sexual identity. Some examples of appropriate physical touch for infants and toddlers include: hugs and kisses, wrestling on the floor, and riding piggyback. For school-age children physical touch could include: running your hand through their hair, patting them on the back, touching the shoulder or arm, and even holding them while reading a book. For tweens to teens, it can be a little difficult since many of them withdraw from physical touch (hormones contribute to this), especially boys, however where it can become an issue is Father's pulling away from touching their daughters. Ensuring daughters still have physical affection from their fathers is essential to help daughters feel valuable and to even stand against peer pressure.
2. Words of Affirmation are powerful. Words of praise and encouragement give a positive message that essentially says, "I care about you." A child receives so many benefits of affirming words that last a lifetime. Words that encourage will cause children to be courageous. Not simply saying, "I love you" will do. Statements such as "That's close, that's good, yes, great, you've got it" encourage a child. The key in sharing words of encouragement is to be encouraged yourself. As parents, when we feel encouraged we will be better at encouraging our children. Understanding that the greatest enemy to encouraging our children is anger is key. The more parents are angry the more they will dump those feeling on their children. Keeping the book of Proverbs in mind is helpful, especially, "A gentle answer turns away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger."
3. Quality Time is focused, undivided attention. Parents continually speak of having more quality time with their children amidst this fast paced busy culture. Yet while many parents talk about it, children are still starving for it. Quality time is difficult as the child grows since it requires real sacrifice on the part of the parents. Parents complain that there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done however spending quality time with children will mean some things will have to be given up. Quality time does not require going special places and doesn't mean doing things together. Really quality time is getting to know your child better and fostering the ability to share feelings and thoughts with each other. Proper planning and being deliberate about spending quality time will fill your child's emotional tank with love and help them feel at ease. 
4. Gift giving can be a powerful expression of love. The key though for children to feel loved by their parents when it comes to gift giving is for the parents to be genuine. A true gift is not payment for services rendered but rather an expression of love for the individual and is freely given by the donor. Sometimes parents can give gifts but with a confusing message. Giving often does not really have anything to do with the size and cost of the gift. It has everything to do with love and communicating that love through a genuine gift that resonates with the child.
5. Acts of Service is doing something for someone else especially when they do not ask. As parents, we serve our children, but the primary motivation is not the please them. Our purpose is to do what is best for them. We should serve our children regularly and as they are ready, teach them how to serve themselves and others. This is not always quick or convenient and it takes time to teach a child to serve others, however they, their relationships, and the culture will be better off when they understand the importance of serving others.

The first half of the book covers the five love languages above in much greater detail. Each love language chapter examines each language by definition, points out the good things as well as issues associated with them when not demonstrated correctly. What I like about each love language chapter is at the end there is a list of many examples for how to demonstrate each love language to your child. The ideas listed foster more ideas as you begin to think about each of your children and how to demonstrate the love languages for them individually.

The second half of the book goes into more about how to identify a child's primary love language. One of the methods I actually used was to simply ask my two oldest children. How I asked them though was two-fold. I first asked them do they know how much I love them. They responded affirming they knew. I then said to them, "I am glad you know I love you, however I also would like to know if you FEEL LOVED." Wow, when I asked that, I received the response, "Sometimes." It was a hard pill to swallow, but it really opened up good discussion between us and helped me see what they were feeling and where there focus on love languages was (mostly quality time). It provided a way for me to improve how I was communicating my love to them and examine how I was filling their emotional tank and addressing their primary love language.

The second half of the book also deals with proper loving discipline as well as dealing with anger, speaking love languages in a single-parent home, and even speaking love languages in marriage. There was even extra material at the very end of the book that provided more help for parents.

I would recommend this book to any parent who desires to demonstrate God's love to their children more each day. This book was very thought provoking, humbling, and convicting. No matter the age of the child, demonstrating all of the love languages and especially speaking the primary love language will foster healthier relationships that last a lifetime.