Today Is March 29, 2017: Healing The Broken Hearted

Is it March 29^th yet, the due date of my 6th child.  I was so sure my baby would come this day as two out of the five others were born on their due dates.  I fully anticipated the anxiousness of awaiting birth, the excitement of holding a newborn, and the blessing of a child. 

Is it March 29^th yet, we held back on the excitement and we did not share the news as we had a miscarriage only 7 months before (5^th child).

Is it March 29^th yet, at 10 weeks we share the news of a new family member that was to come.  All baby’s siblings were so excited.  Of course, our 8 year old son, Noah, our only boy, hoped for a boy.  Our 6 year old girl, Eden insisted the baby would be a girl, she couldn’t wait to feed her.  The toddlers JoyAnna and Harvest were even excited.  We shared our announcement on Facebook, my youngest daughter Harvest, wasn’t so sure about the news.  But you couldn’t tell by the baby belly kisses she and JoyAnna gave every night.

Is it March 29^th yet, I’m just plain sick. I can’t stand the smell or sight of chicken. I have very little appetite, hmm a little like when I was carrying my son.  I also was craving lemons.

Is it March 29^th yet, we went on the most awesome trip to visit the Ark and Creation Museum in Kentucky.  It was baby’s first trip. 

Is it March 29^th yet, I wake up to get ready for church and things just don’t feel “right.” The thought even crossed my mind “I don’t feel pregnant today.” The thought is dismissed as quickly as it came.  Some spotting later would confirm mother’s God given intuition.

Is it March 29^th yet, I found out the gender of my child at 18 weeks, but not through an ultrasound or blood test. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way it was way too early. I found myself the most alone I have ever felt. I remember calling out to God, asking why, and then I remembered the peace that followed in the hardest point in my life. It was a day where I instantly felt empty, in more ways than one. I didn’t have any of my own strength left but God made a way.

Is it March 29^th yet, it was going to be a day to be celebrated for many years.  It was the day our son “Gabriel Lou” was to be born.  Noah would have been ecstatic to share the many boy things with him.  They were going to have their secret little boy club, share a room, get into trouble, get dirty, and make lots of messes together. 

Is it March 29^th yet, it was the day after he was born.  I felt so lost. We were heading to a doctor’s appointment and though it would be a sad one it was the only thing that felt “normal” at that point. When Gabriel was born he was still in the sack so we didn’t know until the appointment that he was a boy. Before the appointment I raced around the house for a blanket to wrap him in.  At that point he was in a blue hand towel.  I was searching for something gender neutral but only could find a red and blue blanket with trains and trucks on it.  That one had to do.

Is it March 29^th yet, we had a birthday party for JoyAnna less than a week after Gabriel was born.  It’s what you do though right, as a parent. You stay strong and smile, even when it’s hard.  My children will be the joy that gets me through many of the hard days. God knows just what we need`.

Is it March 29^th yet, I cling close to my husband Michael.  God has given him the strength to be my physical rock. I’m so grateful for the husband God has called him to be.

Is it March 29^th yet, it was the first time I broke down in front of a stranger.  I kept a piece of the blanket we wrapped Gabriel in; he was to be buried in the other piece.  I was having it embroidered, I started to explain to the lady what I wanted done and I just couldn’t hold it together.  She was very sympathetic, I must have looked pitiful, she didn’t even charge me for the work.  I had a friend show up just after my mini meltdown.  God knows who we need, when we need it.  My friend too had her share of loss as well.  I can feel her pain and she can feel mine.

Is it March 29^th yet, exactly 22 weeks of not pregnant.  I still can’t wrap my head around it fully.  We made it past the first trimester, we were in the “safe zone.”  People told me, “at least you didn’t carry longer,” “there must have been something really wrong,” “you have four others that need you now.” They were trying to be helpful, trying to make me feel better.  I have said similar things to people in the same situation as me.  Looking for the right words, sometimes there are no right words.  Then there was the silence.  Like it didn’t happen, like Gabriel didn’t even exist. 

Is it March 29^th yet, Gabriel’s sister JoyAnna just turned 3 a week before he was born.  She doesn’t ask anymore to kiss my belly. She asks me when can Gabriel come back?  Harvest can’t speak clearly in sentences but without a doubt she told me “baby went to heaven.” The joy was there, he was there.

Is it March 29^th yet, we took hand and foot print molds of Gabriel after he was born.  His hands were no bigger than the tip of my pinky.  I look at those molds often. I’m reminded of Psalm 139 13-16 (ESV):

¹³ For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

Is it March 29^th yet, my Dad had been in the hospital and now is in rehab. My Dad is in the final stages of dementia. I haven’t had to say much to my Dad about Gabriel, I can see the compassion and concern in my Dad’s eyes for me.  Visiting him and being there for him and my Mom would be a part of my healing process. 

Is it March 29^th yet, I have it marked on my calendar “baby brown due.”  I mean who does that, marks it on their calendar.  Good moms can keep track, they don’t need to note it on a calendar.  Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a Mom again.  I must have done something wrong.  What did I do wrong, was it something I ate, was it something I did or didn’t do, did I take my prenatal vitamins that week?!  Maybe I didn’t pray enough.

Is it March 29^th yet, God provides friends and listening ears in unexpected places.

Is it March 29^th yet, Gabriel Lou’s namesake, pop-pop, joined him in heaven.

Is it March 29^th yet, I’m struggling today, I’m crying and can’t even tell you if it’s about my Dad or Gabriel. In an almost audible voice God tells me “Colleen you are being ungrateful, be thankful for the time you had with your Dad and Gabriel.”

Is it March 29^th yet, I’ve been in prayer a lot.  Seeking for ways to lift others up, it helps.

Is it March 29^th yet, Gabriel’s sister Eden won’t eat and hasn’t eaten properly since he passed.

Is it March 29^th yet, we attend a memorial service for Gabriel and other babies that passed at or before term.  We are beginning to heal, so many who love us, who loved him attended.  I didn’t know how much it would mean to me or help with the healing process for these people to attend.  I will always remember each one that was there.

Is it March 29^th yet, me and Eden have an unexpected girl’s day out.  It wasn’t in our plans but it certainly was in God’s.  She requests last minute to visit Gabriel’s grave.  She talked about Gabriel for the next 30 minutes, about how much she misses him, how she couldn’t wait to hold him and take care of him.  How she was going to teach him to read.  How much she loves him. 

Is it March 29^th yet, someone is offended at the mention of the passing of our “preterm baby.”  It wasn’t the first it won’t be the last.

Is it March 29^th yet, Eden is eating almost normal again.

Is it March 29^th yet, I realize its March.  It hits me like a mac truck.  I miss my Dad, I miss Gabriel, I miss my Dad, God please take this pain away. God gives me the scripture found in Matthew 5:4 that says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." He doesn’t let me down.

Is it March 29^th yet, I don’t by chance happen upon a friend sharing about the loss of her baby.  She shared the joy of watching her children who may not have been if it weren’t for the baby that God took to be with Him.  I’m reminded of God’s clear message to me,” Colleen be grateful.”

Is it March 29^th yet, actually the date of today is March 24^th and ironically is exactly 5 months from the day Gabriel was born, October 24^th.  I’m not sure I can do this.  I don’t want March 29^th to come.

Is it March 29^th yet, it’s the 26^th. I have a little card with a scripture on it hanging on my kitchen cabinet.  It came in a beautiful card someone sent me. The scripture reads from Psalm 147:3 says “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.”  I can feel God working.

Today is March 29^th, the day came and went.  We stayed busy on purpose but I was still very in tune to what the day was and what it means.  It’s another day without Gabriel, another day confirming we won’t be sharing baby snuggles, midnight feedings, and numerous outfit changes. It’s a day that we had all planned out from the beginning of knowing his existence. It is also a reminder that none of us are promised tomorrow.  From the tiniest and the youngest to the biggest and oldest.  I tried my best to focus today on what God told me to do a few months ago, Colleen be grateful.

I started the day early with Michael.  I’m grateful for the morning time we had together before he left for work. We had the opportunity to reflect on what the day was and to pray.  The children were all up not too long after.  We had a busy day planned, probably done on purpose.  One of the things we had planned was to visit Gabriel’s grave.  I’m grateful for the many ways God spoke to me throughout the day.  I felt his comfort in the cup of coffee my son made for me just because he wanted to.  I saw him in the rays of sunshine that peeked behind the cloudy morning.  I felt his love and joy from the extra “just because” hugs from my toddlers.  And I experienced his humbling spirit through Eden who thanked me so very much for taking her today to visit Gabriel’s grave.  My son told me tonight that when we visit Gabriel it sometimes makes him sad inside.  I told him it did me too, and that was OK.  He didn’t know then that today was the day Gabriel was due.  But he is learning just like me that our plans are not always God’s plans but he gives us just what we need, when we need it, to make it through.  I know there still will be many tough days ahead but I will do my best to continue to be grateful for the time we had Gabriel and for the ways God continues to reveal Himself through Gabriel’s precious life.