Treasure In Jars of Clay

March 29th...Another story...

Two years ago, to the date I wrote about the loss of our son Gabriel. He was our second miscarriage and our first loss in the second trimester at 18 weeks. You can read more about that experience here. So here I am two years later, I had hoped maybe to be writing about our rainbow baby(ies), that was my plan. We had an idea of the way things should be. We moved into a bigger home after we had our fourth child, we bought a bigger van too, expecting to grow our family.
People never think because we have four that we could struggle with having more. I never would have thought that either, it never crossed my mind that staying pregnant could be a problem. Today I share about our now 5th loss, Amos Thomas who we lost at 14 weeks back in October 2018. As it turns out she and Gabriel shared the same exact due date, two years apart, March 29th.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us…

This time was going to be different. We had done all the necessary tests, we were taking all preventative measures, we had faith (at least the size of a mustard seed), we prayed. I was seeing a specialist in Richmond and was submitting blood work every two weeks, on the opposite weeks we observed ultrasounds of baby moving and growing. I was so very sick which wasn’t unusual for me, when I was pregnant with my son Noah I was sick the entire pregnancy, and with the girls I was sick into the second trimester. We did our best to keep things “normal” at home, when we lost Gabriel it affected our children so deeply. It affected me too, telling others would make this pregnancy that much more real, it makes baby more than just what I long for in our future, it meant maybe having to go back and tell people of a loss, yes I had doubt too.

I was 13 weeks along, I remember watching baby move on the ultrasound screen, little legs kicking, body flipping. I remember the doctor having a hard time capturing pictures because baby was so active, we laughed about that and my heart sang. For the first time I thought, this is going to happen. All my numbers were “normal,” baby was healthy, there was a glimmer of hope, we decided to share with the children and family the news. My children were so excited, the first thing they started to talk about is if the baby is going to be a boy or girl. They all were arguing over where the baby was going to sleep and the jobs they couldn’t wait to help with. This is real, baby was here already in our hearts and in our lives.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed…

So now my specialist has brought me as far as she could and I am ready to see my regular OB at 14 weeks. Ready but not ready. I’m sitting in the waiting room, nervous about my appointment because the last few times I sat there the appointment didn’t end well. I reassure myself that everything is ok, I prayed. I was ushered into the room for weight check and blood pressure, everything looked good. I then prepared for the ultrasound, continuously praying and reassuring myself that things were going to be different this time. The doctor came in and performed the ultrasound, right away I knew. That wasn’t the same baby I saw only a week ago. I hoped it was a machine malfunction, maybe baby was resting. I just knew this couldn’t be happening again.

Perplexed but not driven to despair, persecuted, but not forsaken…

I was still very sick, all of my tests were normal, we were doing all the right things, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe there is still hope that this baby will make it. It took over 3 weeks for my body to recognize the loss. It turns out I needed that time mentally to process what was happening. I needed that time to prepare myself to deliver another baby that had passed. My body went through the motions of labor, my mind was numb, and my heart was being ripped apart all over again. The process went fast still experiencing the intensities that come with labor. This baby I only got to hold in the palm of my hand for a little time.

Struck down but not destroyed…

I was so angry I just wanted to hit something. Anyone who knows me, knows that is out of character for me but it was true. Why was this happening again? The grief was almost too much to bear. Why did God who is all knowing, all powerful allow me to carry this baby just long enough to hope!? Does he not care about me? I contemplated walking away from Him. I wrestled with the idea for a day or two. I wanted so badly to walk away, not because I didn’t believe in God and his power but because HE DOES HAVE THE POWER and didn’t make a way for me. What was I doing wrong? I thought I was doing everything right!? How could He let this happen again!? I was tempted to believe the lies but, in the end, I couldn’t walk away for the same reason I wanted to leave, He does have the power and He does care. His word says to cast all your cares upon him for He cares for you. I wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed the next day without Him.

Always carrying the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

I wrote in my journal not too long after my loss a quote from a book I was reading “Today is your Best Day” by Roy Lessin,

“Truth is the light of God that overcomes the darkness of every lie that seeks to rob you of your peace, steal your joy, and quench your faith.”

The adversary saw me at my weakest and attempted to take advantage of it. But as I was facing this trial someone who I had recently met and shared our loss with mentioned the Jars of Clay scripture to me referenced above (2 Corinithians 4:7-12). I know I’ve read this scripture several times before but really just didn’t get it, until now. Brokenness allows walls to come down, it truly humbles you. It reminds you that it’s not always about what you want, it’s not about your plan, its really not about you. Serving God is agreeing to brokenness so that in your weakness His strength and light can be revealed. It’s recognizing that not my will but thy will be done. Brokenness allows the ultimate treasure, Jesus, to be revealed.